I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to me being a mom with a Congenital Heart Defect or CHD for short. Something happened in Target today that prompted me to finally write about being a mom with CHD.
I was in the baby food aisle looking for munchies for little M because it feels like a constant struggle to feed her lately (which is a whole other post in itself!).
Baby girl was totally DONE, even though we had been in the store for only about 10 minutes! Here comes the meltdown.
I couldn't calm her down so I started to push the shopping cart back and forth, with her in it of course, hoping that would help. Nope! Maybe she wants to hold
something.Oh no, so not having that!
So I grabbed a few things, threw them in the cart and began making our way to the cold food section. I didn't realize she had turned herself sideways and that's when she banged her head on the back part of the cart seat. OH NO! Here comes my first experience of the total baby meltdown in Target! It's gotta happen sometime, right?
She starts doing that cry where she doesn't breath forever, and then the super loud wail.
I take her out of the cart to hold her and hopefully calm her down. I of course am wearing my shirt that is loose at the top and when I am holding my squirmy kid, my huge scars show.
Not a big deal to me but this mom who was shopping in the same aisle, saw the meltdown coming, and was now talking to me about her daughter who is a few months older. I love talking to other moms, but the moment she sees my scar is when things become awkward. She begins to look away, look down, slowly backs away. I wrap up the conversation and run to get some milk so we can get out of there.
I don't blame the other mom for her reaction, my scars are very noticeable and not something people like to see. I consciously choose to cover them up, but sometimes I get tired of hiding them. Partly because it's very hard to find cute shirts with high necklines and also because I have nice boobs, why can't I show those off?!
Seriously though I have worked really hard to hide my heart condition, and part of hiding it is not showing my scars. I don't want to hide my CHD because I am ashamed of it, but because for so long it dominated my life. It's all I thought about, all I dealt with, I couldn't get away from my heart condition.
When little things like this happen, someone sees my scars and reacts, it reminds me of my CHD.
As a mom this is so heart wrenching for me. I try to keep the thoughts from my mind of how long do I have to live, will I make it long enough to see baby live her life. I pray everyday with all of my might that I make it to see baby girl grow up, get married, have kids. I am so acutely aware how lucky I am to have her, to have each day with her. I treasure every day, I really do because I know deep down to my core that anything can happen and I may not always be here.
I try to do my best, enjoy it all, even the meltdowns and tantrums! Having CHD gives me a different perspective on life and for that I am truly grateful.
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